A night of frustration for me.
It's been a good day, overall. I actually slept about 6 hours or so last night, which is a big deal for me anymore. Dreams are exhausting right now, though...very nice, but they wear me out with the intensity and vivid nature. The morning was productive, work was fine, evening walk was gorgeous. Was blessed with the drop-in of a good friend, a smooth beer and alot of easy laughter mixed with good company.
I am restless.
So many changes in the past few years. Wide, sweeping changes that have touched every aspect of my life. And there is one more large one coming. I've known it for quite some time, but have been waiting for events to happen that will precipitate it. Almost all have suddenly occurred and there's now the sense of hovering in place waiting for the last few pieces...
I don't know what they are or where they will come from or when. It feels soon and I am following the ideas that come into my mind during my quiet moments of rest that I practice when I can't sleep. I don't know if it's what people call meditation - it's just putting thoughts out of my head, and going into a quiet and calm place in my body...i feel a current there and when I leave the place thoughts and images come to me that often are what i need then. Nothing big or earth shattering, no lotus positioning, incense burning or low humming. It's just something that I learned a long, long time ago, and can achieve some physical healing while letting truth rise to the surface.
But tonight, I am frustrated with the process. I want to just mow it all down and make it happen right now. I just don't know what IT is...probably why! Okay, I have to laugh at that one. It can be sooo hard to just wait. A friend told me to picture myself in something in the middle of a river and to let it take me where it will, away from the shore, not struggling to steer or control speed. Yes, I do have control issues. And some big trust issues in some areas. I'm teaching myself to let go and be comfortable in that river, but on nights like this...give me that fricken paddle.
There are differences though, to this end of the change sequence, because it does feel like the end of a that long cycle...I feel more connected to myself again, like I used to several years ago on the farm. I have found it easy to let go of animosity, anger, bitterness again. I feel as though my heart will pop from a feeling of warmth and a sense of belonging. Just tonight, I am frustrated.
I want to go home. I've been trying to get back there for many years now, but always something has been in the way. One by one those obstacles have fallen away without my hand being lifted to any of them, some a long process, but each one disappearing more rapidly and easily than the one before ~ a chain reaction, a domino effect.
Tonight, though, I am frustrated with the process. I feel like I've been patient for so long...removed from where I knew I belonged not by my choosing and kept away because of another's choices. Then seemingly trapped. I remind myself of what I just wrote above...Everything is disappearing. Except that tonight...tonight I so very much wanted to be somewhere. The result, I walked alot, to center myself and clear my mind, to bring myself into the now instead of tomorrow...and almost got there. While my good, dear friend sat here with me, sharing a couple of drinks and then visiting with another darling, an emotionally adopted daughter, I was here physically. My real self, though, was not here with them. I wasn't in tomorrow either, because I don't know where that will be, but I was stuck in the land of "wish". These sweet sisters of my soul, I am so glad that they were here with me this evening. But now I'm here alone and I am not wanting to sleep. I don't want to dream tonight. I don't want to go through the process of waking up and being here still. I know that I will sleep, and dream, and that all will be well in the morning. Just now, with fatigue and frustration and, yes, alcohol, messing with me...it's hard to think of doing.
I know what has to happen. I have to let it go. Not hold it. Let the die roll where they will, and play the hand dealt. I have to not control the path as such, but manage what I find on the way. Let life play it out on it's time and terms. If things are to be then they will, when it is right and ready. It's so hard to do sometimes. It hurts. I hope so much that the worst of the hurt with these changes is over for awhile. It can be almost too much physically to bear at times. It's into nitty gritty letting go again. I don't always feel strong enough. I want to lean on someone but I can't. I won't. I have to do this. I know it's worth it.
Frustration.
Acceptance.
Eckhart Tolle says "Accept this moment as if you had chosen it"
Acceptance and frustration can't exist in the same space. One has to be chosen. Frustration is here. But I choose acceptance. Now I need to plug it in.
Time for a shower. A good sob...well, a continued sob. A cleansing of body and emotion.
I don't know a really appropriate song, so I'm just going to leave it. If you have one, lmk. I'll add it.
Good night ~
