Eat. Sleep. Rave. Repeat.

We all have our coping mechanisms. Period.
Doesn't matter what it is, anything that we turn to that helps us find balance in ourselves is our tool. 
Meditation.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Coffee.
Sugar.
Food.
Photography.
Art.
Singing.
Music.

Music.

I drink coffee, black, like it's air. I jokingly say that I'm 80% coffee, at least. I don't eat much, but when I do it's protein bars, oranges, maybe a banana, or liquid vitamins. Doesn't sound healthy, maybe, but with my weird body, it works. 

So there's that. 

And I love to be out in the mountains, or on the beach. Every chance I get. The air, the scent. Sometimes I crave it so badly that I have to go, somewhere, anywhere. To the marina, sit on the dock, or the woods nearby and tramp around, pretending that I'm up in the hills. I can fake myself out pretty easily, as long as it's myself doing to faking. 

But my real coping thing? My drug, even?

Music.

And when I really need to lose myself from a problem, dancing.

Club dancing, rave dancing. Bass beating my heart into shape, taking my breath and making it it's own, pushing down into me through the walls of worry and confusion...i hear it, begin to feel pulse of it, open myself to it, swirling through my body, owning every part that lives, pulling it out and into the light, touching all that is around and entering in again. 

I lose myself in it, allow myself to be taken in, out, through. 

When emotions are just too large to handle well, when I can't surround them, see them...I dance.

In a club, it's like home. I let go, I don't care who's watching, who isn't. It isn't a show. I hate to go to bars or spaces where nobody dances or where they just sit and watch. Whatever. I do know how to dance politely, I do it all the time, the "Welcome to the HS dance, where everyone is there to be somebody that they're not" junk. But that, to me, isn't dancing. 

The only people who see this dancing are either complete strangers or someone who is all the way in...and the time and space have happened. 

I've never needed a drug to make it happen. I see these kids all the time, and not just the kids, strung out so far, falling on me, needing hauled off the dance floor, calling security into the bathrooms every damn time, checking on them in the alley. I don't get it. They aren't having fun, they aren't getting closer to a solution...but maybe that comes with age. God knows I've got that. But whatever. No x for me, no blow, no hash, no smack, no caps, all other names ad naseum...sometimes when I'm asking the kids what their friend did, they come up with one I haven't heard, then it's "cut the shit, what'd they do". No, A drink. One. And I'm good. 

Tonight, it's our last club crawl of the year, my closest friend and I. It's been a hell of a year for us both, funny to look back and realize that I took her to her first rave almost this time last year. Wow. 

And we both need it. We go together, we're a team, watching out for each other, claiming each other as our bitches to push people off, taking turns blinding ourselves to what and who is around us. 

Eat. 
Sleep.
Rave. 
Repeat. 

I do understand why. 

quote.

In relation to anyone in our lives, parents, children, friends, lovers...

“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” 


― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

Smile

Not new here, not in the least. 
But i need it tonight. It's giving me a heart hug, which I need.

Smile through tears. 

Sometimes, I want to plead with the universe to please, please stop the hurts. I sometimes wonder, how can i possibly survive the process of more growth. I feel small. Fragile. 

So, I play this song. 

Nat King Cole

Smile

a busy night

A very busy night here on the blog, with the roving Blog Bots and Russia apparently running amok on a Friday the 13th.

I'm not a terribly superstitious person. I will always say "bread n butter" when separated from someone that I am close to while we're out walking, but it's such a knee-jerk thing, I'm only consciously aware of it in the moment just after. My mum was fairly superstitious, black cats/ladders/salt/mirrors/and Friday the 13th.

I've never had an ounce of trouble on the 13th, up until the last one. That was the day that the corn bin ran over my foot at the farm, and then they put me into room 13 at the hospital. But even then, my foot wasn't broken and it easily could have been. That sucker of a bin was at least 1/2 ton, and my boss and I both heard the crunching that I was feeling. Anyway, no worries here about the date.

I had a quote running through my head the past few days, from A Tale Of Two Cities by Dickens...the opening, that goes something along the lines of "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...". It seems to sum things up for me at the moment. Well, most moments.

It was an emotional night, last night, with the bakery stuff all fresh and right in my face. A nice phone call, not that it was filled with the happiest of things. And a music sharing chat later with a friend. A conversation with former spouse re: the upcoming holiday and another friend who is facing major surgery on Monday...all of that together and the upshot, for me?

BOYS ARE DUMB.

Sorry guys, but you are. 

Dumb as stumps. 

Seriously. 

Music sharing friend from Austin...bless you, you're a dolly... but for Pete's sake, fella. That bestie, as you call her, that you can't leave behind to move home? Dude. There's a reason for that, figure it out. It doesn't even take a matchlight flicker to see what's going on there, son. Sigh. Take the girl, take the plunge, make her yours. Just freaking do it. And yes, I am going to tell you this the next time we talk. I don't mind being your shoulder to cry on, because I care about you and you're lonely, sad, but the thing is, you don't need to be. K. Solved your shit, right there. You'll be making those most excellent chicken/dumplings for 2, and there'll be arguments over who gets to use the Keurig first...you'll win because you won't take no for an answer, but knowing you, you'll make her coffee first. Yep. That's the boy. Dumb as a rock, but you'll be fine.

Surgery friend...okay. You've been playing hard to get with all these women who are after you, but once this operation is done, it's time to get off your butt and get out there again. I know you are quite an enlightened guy in many, many respects, but not here. Let's get this done, get you healed and get you where you need to be. Monday, surgery. I expect things from you by spring. And yes, I will tell you this. When you are in recovery and can't talk back to me. See? Smart girl, this one. Your daughter, she needs this as well. And you know that. You're afraid to try and I understand that, good lord do i, but it's time.

Former spouse. You continue to confuse me. You have a new wife. YOU HAVE A NEW WIFE. Well, not new. ANOTHER wife. I understand the care and concern for our girls, and I appreciate it so very much, even though they aren't certain how they feel about it. Wait. Let me say that older daughter, she's coming around. Please hear me when I say, don't stop trying yet. You are very close to mending those fences that you burnt to ashes, and that isn't just due to your efforts. It's due, in large part, to mine. It's not ego to say that. It's acknowledging a fact. I've worked hard on both of you, to soften, to clean, to prepare the wounds for this healing time and I'm gonna throat punch whoever gets in the way. Hear me??? No. I'm not saying that to either one of you. To the two of you, I will continue to soften and clean and care for those wounds as unobtrustively as possible. Younger daughter, you're being a shit. Yes, you have a right, a perfect right, to feel hurt, but you continue to hurt yourself when you refuse to allow healing and apologies to happen. You, well, you I just might be that blunt with. You won't take it well, you just don't. I'll figure it out. You know that I won't ever do or say anything to hurt you intentionally.

But, former spouse...

WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME????
I don't understand. You left. You said things, all the things, that shattered me. You knew they would, you went for my jugular, knowing exactly where it would hurt the most, and with the sharpest knife you could find, severed it, over and over. You almost bled me out. I don't understand. You show me greater care and compassion now than you did in our 25 yrs together...and it hurts. It hurts almost as badly as it did to feel none of that from you when I was yours and had the right to expect it. The contrast is brutal. A Christmas gift of the kind that is all that I ever wanted before, a memory to make with the girls...perfect for me. Not once in all our years together did I ask for a thing to be given, ever. So, very confusing. 
And yet, I'm grateful to know that if I had no one else to turn to, even as uncomfortable as it would be, I could go to you. Without family and without someone of my own to claim or care for me, which while i don't want to have to NEED someone, I want to WANT them in my life (which, yes, is it's own form of need but not the unhealthy dependent type...or codependent...another discussion), just knowing that gives me comfort and pretty much removes any feeling of need for it. 
Does your wife know? 
No.
NVM.

I would understand a woman's motivation, but a man's...no. I understand "human" and "girl"...even "cat" and "horse". But man? I've never claimed to. In fact, I've sung the praises of men and their differences over and over, but it gets so very old to simply accept and have no answers so very often. And so, this gets chalked up to, "Who the hell knows. Boys are dumb."

And such a bad night from dreams. Well, almost.

Very bad BDD dream. Horrifying. Best friend and I are going out dancing tomorrow, our last club crawl for a year that has brought so many changes for us, but for her especially. Almost a year ago I took her to her first rave, and we've done many since. So, in reality, we are going, but in my dream, I was trying on a little black skirt that I like and it kept riding up, which I couldn't understand. I kept pulling it back down and looking to see if it was hitching up on something. Looked in the mirror and a wave washed over it, then cleared again, and when I looked in it, I saw someone who weighed a couple hundred lbs more than I do, with a distorted face and such...I stood there, went ice cold, then flaming hot, unable to move and from somewhere the faint sound of something terrifying, growing louder and more shrill...looking back into the mirror, I saw that what should have been my mouth was wide open and that the noise was a scream coming from somewhere deep and horrible. Younger daughter, in dream, heard the sound and came running in, telling me to be quiet, what was wrong with me? I told her to look at me! What the hell had happened? She replied that I looked great, what was I talking about? I realized, still dream, that she couldn't see what I saw, so I pulled her over and made her look into the mirror to see it. She still couldn't. She said I was freaking her out, to stop, but I was freaking out on my own. Ran for the bathroom and jumped on the scales, which tipped at 289. I jumped off, did it again, same. I fell to the ground, sobbing, asking her to kill me, I couldn't live like that. And then I woke myself up, hard. Laid there for a bit, afraid to get up, to look in the mirror, just feeling my body all over and shaking. Finally, it left me. God, I hadn't had a dream like that for decades. I know that it was the emotion of the night and the conversations, the future, trying to stay very focused on right now. It was hard to eat today, but I followed the list I made myself write down in the morning. So. All good.

I read a little, trying to finish up a book, fell back asleep and dreamt that I was in a kitchen...food again. But this time, I was fixing a fancy salad and sandwich tray for someone else, in their kitchen, not my own. I took it into the other room, put it down, smiled, went back into the kitchen area and sat down at a table? There was a stool that I was sitting on, and I reached over and pulled a couple of tomato slices and a piece of bread for a tomato sandwich (thank you, Harriet) and a someone came into the kitchen. Smiled, said thank you, reached over to get something, looked at my almost sandwich asked what the hell that was, I smiled and said "something delicious...some?", scoff and mock disgust, to which I laughed. I actually laughed, in my sleep. Then a slight change in the energy, more conversation, and I woke up again. Totally different feeling though. 
Golly. 
What a night.

Boy. 

Can't you see? 
I can't say these things to you. If this is to be, then you will need to see them as they are on your own.
I don't have any answers, I have no crystal ball. I only know what I know.
I'm doing my part to not hide myself the way that I always do...daughter, she tells me that I play the cards too close. My closest friends, they say the same. But I've never held the hand as loosely as this is. 
Still, I do hold myself in check...there are layers of me that you are on the very edge of knowing. In another post I called myself a slow burn to know. It's true. 

In your past is not the only place that such things as you lament were given. See them with adult, healthy and matured eyes, in the way that it exists as a reality and not a blinded child's dream destined for disillusionment. 

So, Boy. You are dumb.
But that's okay. 

Because for all I know, I'm the dumb one here, in the reverse direction.
I'll take that, though. 

Next post, it's Christmas talk. 
I think. 
Time for bed, almost 1:30 and I need to be at work in 6 hours.

Bush. The Sound of Winter

Mind strong, Body strong

Try to find equilibrium

Head straight, screwed on

Been screwed up for too long

I don't want to lean on the waves

I watch the storm evaporate

I think of you in starry skies

I keep you so alive

Let's walk through the fire together

Disappear in the golden sands

It's all in your face

I see you break

It's like the sound of winter

The bleeding love, the silent escape

You've got to hang on to yourself

It's like the sound of winter

Medusa smiles, Judas lips

Open arms and finger tips

Love bites and recompense

I'll be with you until the end

Let's walk through the fire together

Disappear in the golden sands

It's all in your face

I see you break

It's like the sound of winter

The bleeding love, the silent escape

You've got to hang on to yourself

It's all in your face

I see you break

It's like the sound of winter

The bleeding love, the silent escape

You've got to hang on to yourself

It's like the sound of winter

Hang on to yourself

Hang on to yourself

It's like the sound of winter

It's all in your face

I see you break

It's like the sound of winter

The bleeding love, the silent escape

You've got to hang on to yourself

It's like the sound of winter

It's like the sound of winter

Hang on to yourself

Hang on to yourself

A bakery, finally finished...and one last, important addition...

A bakery.
I have many emotions running through my mind, heart and body tonight, let's see if I can keep this focused.
Where was I?

Right.

A bakery.
What the hell is a bakery?

Sorry. I need to stop for a moment. This is seriously difficult.

Okay. Through the miracle of the written word, you have no idea that I took a few hours to blast music, eat a piece of chocolate...which i rarely do...talk with my best friend about some dance plans...and now I'm back.

I can't worry about being poetic or any such stuff here.

Nope. Tears. Gosh. This is hitting me hard tonight.
I need to go to bed. Too much coffee, too little food and too much emotion in this day. watch the heading for edits, I'll work on it in the morning.

Right. Where was I?
I've worked at a bakery for a few years now. For some reason, I'm feeling very impatient with the idea of providing all the back story, possibly because it really doesn't change anything.

It's shutting down. In a week we'll close the doors for the last time. It's not altogether a surprise, but it's been sprung on everyone, officially, very suddenly. That it's been hemorrhaging almost since it opened is a fact, but we've made so many changes, streamlined, cut staff, cut hours, cut everything, and business has been picking up in the form of large cake orders, etc. I could go into all of the inconsistencies and obvious issues, but I'm not going to. Not here, not yet.

Last night the owner came in. She and I talked some very real facts and much of the facade scraped away to show what was really going on. There had been the "hope of a christmas miracle" put out as a panacea...I didn't buy it, at all, and last night that was verified. Financially, yeah, it'll hurt. But I'll figure it out, always do. It's just more.

This place. Just a small space, not a necessity in the reality of living. But in the bit of time that it's been open, we've been a part of a great many people's lives. They've come to us for weddings, funerals, graduations, anniversaries, births, birthdays, retirements, staff meetings, charity fund raisers, engagements, parties of every conceivable kind...

Some of us knew each other well before this all started, some of us were complete strangers. 3 of us were put together as the core team before the place was even finished, and over the years others have come and gone, but for a few, we've become family to each other. Mar, my dear friend. Aspy, who has become a dear friend and who moved recently, breaking all of our hearts. Blaine, who came on in her place, and is just as much a dear as any could be. The 2 decorators on board right now, precious and talented...

This is disjointed, I know. My thoughts are swirling, caught in a wild whirl of emotion. This place was the first outside job that I had after the divorce became final, and for awhile it was full time. I had continued on with my own businesses for some time before, but I needed more and knew that I needed to get outside experience again. 

On the surface, some see the bakery as a glamorous place to work. Make fancy stuff, play in the kitchen, lalala. And it is, to an extent. It's also hard work. Working out recipes isn't a light thing to do, it takes some knowledge of ingredients and how they mix, how the different ovens work with the same, moisture content, flavor ratio, etc etc etc. It's also, let's face it, food service. Sanitation, dishes, laundry, scrubbing, rotating, inventory, etc etc etc. But that's really not the point of this.

We've had such a privilege given to us, that other businesses don't experience in the same way. The best way is just to give examples and let you see for yourself.

A week ago a young couple came in to the shop with a specific question...could we do a gender reveal cupcake for them? Well, yes, we do them often, I told them. Good. They had an ultrasound scheduled soon and would be in touch with the particulars.

Great. They were cute, excited. They left and I hoped they'd be back.

Wednesday night they came in. I recognized them, smiled, asked how they were. They were happy, that I could see, smiles as big as they could be. The woman asked if I remembered them, I replied that I absolutely did, and at that the man handed a card to me. I took it, question on my face, and held it while I waited for an explanation. I wasn't as ready as I thought.
What I held in my hand was a card that contained 2 photographs. The photos were from their ultrasound, they said, and were turned in backward so that they wouldn't accidentally see anything. They had just left the doctors office and had come straight to the bakery. Could we make their cupcakes, 2 of them, for pickup the next day?
Their gender reveal cupcakes. To tell THEM the gender of their baby.
They'd been waiting a long time, they explained. There had been fertility issues, they weren't certain that there'd be another baby in their future, so they were packing it all into this one. Ah. Of course.
We talked about what kind of cake, frosting, etc. The center would be vanilla, naturally, as it would need to be colored either pink or blue. Talked about pickup time.
And then, with those big big smiles still on their faces, they left.
I waited until they were well gone before I opened the card that I'd been holding. I took out the 2 photos, turned them over and started to cry. The most beautiful pictures of a baby, a perfect perfect baby, curled and safe, sucking a thumb. They hadn't watched the ultrasound, they didn't want to be tempted to guess. Who had seen these? The tech. And now me.
Me. A worker in a bakery.
I stood there, just taking it in. We've had these things happen before, of course. The surprise cupcake with a ring inside of it. The consultations with someone, usually men, who needed a "please don't kill me, or worse yet, hate me and refuse to leave" offering. The worn out wife, stopping by in hopes of finding something for her husband, who was feeling a little neglected because her work schedule had been a bit insane lately. The young man who came in last June to order his own graduation cake and who insisted on dedicating it to his mom. He paid for it on his own, planned out the cake as a way of acknowledging his step out of childhood and into the first phase of adulthood, and to honor his mother for all that she had done for him. The funerals. The SuperBowl parties. The Thanksgiving treats. The "yay, you did great at school!" rewards...the woman who was so ill with cancer and couldn't keep much down except for our orange brownie, and for whom pans upon pans were ordered and made and taken to her when she became a hospice patient. The regulars we grew to love, and to miss when they weren't so regular. The kids, after school, with no place to go to get out of the rain. The Grandma-to-be who came in to pick up the cupcakes her daughter-in-law had ordered, with directions to call when she got there. She was on the phone as I brought the box out, and I could hear the dil telling her to try one, make sure they were good. She rolled her eyes, grumbled a bit, took a bite and squealed when she saw the bright blue filling...she got the message. And I was there for that.
No, this wasn't new...but the realization that the opportunity to share these things was leaving my life, and what it has meant to me, was. The definite reality.
I, at times, felt like a bartender must feel. People would stop in and say "i saw your car out front and needed your smile"...I never knew what to do with that except smile my wierd smile and ask them what was going on. I never did ask how they knew which car was mine, maybe I should have. This isn't the kind of stuff that you tell people outside of that moment, it sounds like you're bragging, which I'm not. It always humbled me greatly that anyone would seek out my presence for comfort in that way.
So, that sunk in a bit.
And I began to hurt.
Last night, the man came in to pick up those cupcakes. We'd wrapped them up all pretty and he was nervous and excited. We said congratulations and sent him out the door, and then looked at each other, again realizing that we had knowledge of something very intimate to his life that he still did not know.

After that, the owner of the shop came in and gave the final news. We had a talk, and later, when my young coworker returned, I broke the news to her. I needed to do the same today for one of the decorators, and find myself in the position of stalwart comforter, steady thinker, calm influence, talker off of the ledge person, look at the bright spots in the rainbow, not the clouds, etc etc etc. 

But my heart is breaking. 

It has been doomed due to many different things, as I said. And my plan has been to leave, move.

But the people. What we've all shared. 

Ah well. Such is life. 

I suppose. 

I will miss these opportunities.

We have a week. Doing big blowout creations all week, to use the product up, to enjoy ourselves. And next Saturday, the 21st, the first day of Winter and the last day of The Monkey, it will be one big party at work. Some of us will drift off and away. Others will stay close. It truly is life. Just like that. And my heart will heal.

As an addition, one that added to my emotion on seeing the photos for the first time...Piano Man, by Billy Joel, began to play in the shop. Right on cue.
yeah.

Oh. 
It's a girl.

hazy...

Hazy

Rosi Golan, with William Fitzsimmons

~ without you, things go hazy ~

Word

I know. No pun intended.

But how well do I know this one tonight.

Sparkling conversationalist...my brain melted at the sound and...oh, nvm.

Sitting out here in the field of something by myself, I'm quite certain, awfully glad that I'm easily soothed by such things as are found in fields.

It is what it is.

JT. Sexyback.

Don't even care if this is already on here a few times.

You ready...

?

because

Starkillerz

Scream

Dany Wild remix

Deadmau5

A City In Florida

Madonna

Sorry

Kevin Rudolf

Let It Rock

i see your dirty face

Let me dump, help me think. ...not much dumping, falling asleep...straight to publish, will edit and check spelling later.

I'm beginning to think that every Tuesday/Wednesday is about as far as I get without needing to empty out my head. There's so much happening and it all begins to get muddled up, sleep stops happening, worrying and tail chasing begins, and I just struggle.

Where to start? WIth posts like these, just the front of the brain and work through. SO that's what I'll do and worry about spelling and grammar later.

Front thought...just worked out. Needed to do weights, I'm really starting to feel the loss of my farm muscles and I hate it. So, worked out. And that helped alot, I think I can sleep in my bed again tonight. :) Or, ON my bed, rather. Still not sleeping in it. Ah well. Someday.

Next thought...bakery. December 21st is now the day for it to close. It was going to be the 24th, but not now. So. Too many inconsistencies for me to go into here, now. I was glad to see that my young coworker finally accepted the truth that it isn't going to be saved. Not that it couldn't be, because it could...but not when the owners don't want for it to be saved. Nope, not then. And she saw that finally. I felt so much better, it's been hard to not say something.

See? I know that I appear to dump and dump and dump, but if you had any idea of how much is tucked away, truly private thoughts, ideas, predictions...well, then you'd understand. Guess for now you just need to take my word for it. :)

Interesting note...I'm beginning to get very sleepy, so my head is actually down on my lap and I am typing this completely blind. I wonder what it looks like. I hope that it's somwhat readable, I'd hate to redo it all.

SPeaking of redoing...I've been working on editing a book. Picked up a book on self-editing for publishing...it's a great book! And it brings to mind an idea...freelance editor. Huh. Who knew? Maybe there's an answer to toy with.

oh dear. i hate to go to bed.

worrying about someone, hoping that all is well. wishing many things.

but right now, i am so tired, i'm falling asleep, all down in my lap like that.

gnite

Clean

Clean.

Depeche Mode.

Like many of Depeche Mode's songs, defeating addiction and the exploration of what is religious vs what is spiritual, is sexuality something to be embraced or reviled, are themes in this song. They are masters at putting all 3 together in one shot, and have done so often. Those 3 subjects are the basis for many, most, of their songs, and I find them almost all fascinating, in particular the religion/spiritual group. 

I'm posting 2 versions of it, the fully produced album one and this acoustic version. I really appreciate acoustic versions when they are done, you hear so much more of the bones of the song. Anyway, this one...they rarely perform it live.

Acoustic first:

And now, the fully fleshed out original. It's still fairly "clean", to use the term, compared to many of their other productions. What I really dig the most is the simulated breathing pattern and heartbeat, which is a common feature in their music, but most especially on this song. 

Yes. It's like that. 

Clean

The cleanest I've been

An end to the tears

And the in-between years

And the troubles I've seen 

Now that I'm clean

You know what I mean

I've broken my fall

Put an end to it all

I've changed my routine

Now I'm clean 

I don't understand

What destiny's planned

I'm starting to grasp

What is in my own hands 

I don't claim to know

Where my holiness goes

I just know that I like

What is starting to show 

Sometimes 

Clean

The cleanest I've been

An end to the tears

And the in-between years

And the troubles I've seen 

Now that I'm clean

You know what I mean

I've broken my fall

Put an end to it all

I've changed my routine

Now I'm clean 

As years go by

All the feelings inside

Twist and they turn

As they ride with the tide

I don't advise

And I don't criticise

I just know what I like

With my own eyes 

Sometimes 

Clean

The cleanest I've been

An end to the tears

And the in-between years

And the troubles I've seen 

Now that I'm clean

You know what I mean

I've broken my fall

Put an end to it all

I've changed my routine

Now I'm clean 

Sometimes

Nickel Creek

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end
To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly
And if you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
Catch you when you fall

Your memory is the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down

Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

Goo Goo Dolls. again.

Yes, I am a romantic. 
I believe in love.
I've posted this song before. I heard it again today, and honestly...it's right up at the top of my list of nearly perfect songs, which I why it will get posted again. I think it's just about the most beautiful love song ever, and it makes me feel happy all the way through whenever I hear it, even though the first time I heard it my heart was in a sad place...except for the few moments this song played. I had it on repeat for quite a few days, this one and a few others, yes, but those were much, much darker. 
I deeply appreciate the themes of their friendship, acceptance, understanding, love, loyalty to keep on keeping on, recognition of each other's past lives and situations, and the commitment to look forward and step that way together, hand in hand, forgiving each other for blips and burps...and that the part on the surface of joining their lives together includes the words "take my hand in this empty room"... 

This...this is wonderful.

Goo Goo Dolls

Come To Me

I'll be kind, if you'll be faithful
You be sweet and I'll be grateful
Cover me with kisses dear
Lighten up the atmosphere
Keep me warm inside our bed
I got dreams of you all through my head
Fortune teller said I'd be free
And that's the day you came to me
Came to me

Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo, Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

Come to me my sweetest friend
Can you feel my heart again
I'll take you back where you belong
And this will be our favorite song
Come to me with secrets bare
I'll love you more so don't be scared
When we're old and near the end
We'll go home and start again

I caught you burnin' photographs
Like that could save you from your past
History is like gravity
It holds you down away from me
You and me, we've both got sins
I don't care about where you've been
Don't be sad and don't explain
This is where we start again
Start again

Come to me my sweetest friend
Can you feel my heart again
I'll take you back where you belong
And this will be our favorite song
Come to me with secrets bare
I'll love you more so don't be scared
When we're old and near the end
We'll go home and start again
Start again

Today's the day I'll make you mine
So get me to the church on time
Take my hand in this empty room
You're my girl, and I'm your groom

Come to me my sweetest friend
This is where we start again, again

Come to me my sweetest friend
Can you feel my heart again
Take you back where you belong
This will be our favorite song
Come to me with secrets bare
I'll love you more so don't be scared
When we're old and near the end
We'll go home and start again (yeah)
Start again (yeah)