September...

Such a September. You crazy month, how I went into you with open arms and a wide smile, thinking that I might be ready for what you might throw at me...here it is, now, on the 24th, and I have been flinching my way through you steadily. Please, stop the surprises, dear month. It's now autumn and I so desperately want to love this time of year again.

It hasn't been all bad, not at all. Life never is, even at it's hardest points. There is always some good to be found, sometimes with more effort than a person feels that they have. But it's always there. The good things have, by far, outweighed any bad. They deserve some recognition.

My younger daughter started school at the local high, our first full-time jump into the public system. Older daughter took language and AP classes, "for fun", after we finished with our schooling at home, and younger has been enrolled in a parent/partnership under the this school system for several years. But this...this is big, for me. I have a deep distrust of the public system...but that's another post. She is enjoying it all very much and I am excited for her to have the good experiences of high school. 

Got a few hikes in this month. I do love hiking in these woods. The trees, the sky, the sounds and smells. It takes me back to Ashford, the first place that ever felt like home in my life, where I could spend hours off in the hills and backwoods with my horse, skipping many days of school to soak in the peace and beauty I found. I healed many wounds out there, hearing the trees whisper to each other, learning to find my way by trusting the land, my horse and my instincts. My mom...I wonder how much stress those days put on her, never knowing where I was. She would only ask if the day was a good one, and listen to whatever I chose to share with her. I wrote poems and songs and discovered the deep bond that one can have with an animal. I've always been close to them, but this is when I learned to truly connect. Hiking now brings all of this back to me. This summer I had planned to participate in the Hellrun but ended up pulling a week before due to outside circumstances...that was a bad, very bad week, for me. But on the day after the run was to happen I took the opportunity to hike/climb Mt Pilchuck. I say climb only in that a large portion of the trail is rock and the steps were almost mid-thigh for me. I was definitely feeling it around the mile high mark. But now, when i look at the mountain that looms behind this town, I can see the very highest point and know that I stood on that rock and had a moment of accomplishment. And victory. 

I closed that very bad week that I mentioned as I stood on the tip of that rock. There is something about being almost twice as high in the air as either of the closest passes, without gear and nothing below this piece of rock for a few hundred feet that can give you a feeling of strength and determination to stay above the wave, not let it swamp you. I had taken that emotional hit a week or so before and was still reeling from it. And another person that I felt close to had a bad time hit them and was "gone" that whole week...i knew it, I could feel it, and I couldn't do anything to help them except send good thoughts and feel a terrible feeling of sadness. Work hours were cut again, issues came up with family, friends all around me were in trouble and needing help and I suddenly felt weary to the bone, deep in my soul. That's when someone I used to know vaguely approached me, asking if I could help him with something. I never expected that the "favor" was to be the shared toy of his wife and himself, or the verbal assault that happened when I politely declined. Yes. Politely. I felt violated. Slick, oil coated filthy. It brought old, long buried memories of other, different things, to the surface and I wanted nothing more than to run as far as I could get us, as fast as possible. Then I became angry, out walking at night as I like to do, when fear hit me. Miles from home, and suddenly I felt the cold, black crush of terror wash over me. What was I doing? I was out there, in the dark, alone, vulnerable, stupidly without flashlight or any protection. It had been quite awhile since I had felt any fear in the night, or for my safety. I stood there, shaking and feeling sick...and then I got mad. Disrespect me? Whatever. Call me names? Go ahead. Take my hard earned peace of mind and personal circle of safety from me? No. NO. I worked too hard, for too long. Nobody was going to take that from me, not without my handing that over, and that was NEVER going to happen. That walk ended up with some major time being set...and me jumping a mile at a cow mooing. That made me laugh. And then I think I scared the cow. Anyway. That was a tough day. Even in the middle of my recently shattered heart I hadn't felt so much like quitting everything. But that night, I did. Just not enough to not know that morning will always bring some break in the cloud cover. Just enough to get a toehold in somewhere and keep going. 

So a couple strange days and evenings, for a different time...if ever. And then a sleepless night and a determination in the morning to climb a mountain. To prove that I could do this. To take myself to a physical limit and push through. To feel the peace and stillness inside of me again, that I found so many years ago on a different mountain, when my much younger spirit was battered and torn. So a dear friend and her husband and big ol brown dog boy and I headed out. I think that it's pretty apparent from any time with me that I am a deeply symbolic person. I see it everywhere and feel it in the places of me where I begin and return. 
In the week since, my normal state of lunacy has been returning. The equinox always plays havoc with people, so it wasn't a calm time in the least. People around me continued to struggle and i worked to return to my place of acceptance and understanding. Not just in my mind, but to feel it in my heart. It was hard to let go again, but I did manage to allow it to happen. 

Other things of this month, my nephew had open heart surgery and did beautifully. So strange to think of him as an adult, although he is now 40. He was born when I was 6 and very dear to me he is. He is recovering well, I am very thankful. 

My older daughter had a good weekend vacation and is feeling happy and optimistic about life again. She is such a joy to me, no matter what we have been through together. I would choose her as a friend, I am sure that I have said that before here. But it's so true. When she is feeling good about things the sun shines more brightly than in mid-summer. Money can't begin to hope to buy the feeling that gives to me.

Younger daughter has a very nice young man in her life and is in the running for her grade's homecoming princess. Not bad for my tiny sprite, fiery redhead lass. :)

Glad that I will be able to work my favorite October gig ever, at a local farm's haunted swamp. So much fun, working late at night on the fog swirled farmland by the slough. It's simply beautiful there, so peaceful. Okay, I have to laugh...the land is peaceful. The swamp is NOT. It's full of chainsaws, moans and people screaming as they go through it. But tune that out and you have owls, night birds, the wind blowing softly through the fields of pumpkins and corn, the occasional coyote song, the smell of damp earth and dying vegetation. It's cold, crisp, the coffee warms my hands and burns my throat, the people are fun and ready for an adventure.

And to top it off a bit, I figured out the camera, switched my phone over and now have this laptop to use. So not a terrible month all in all. Just some very rough spots.

Of course...if I could rewind last night and not share something that I did, that would be awesome. It was something that I don't tell people about my life, not anything that I've done, but I feel embarrassment in it and so I keep it to myself. Except that...I was reminded of why I stay very quiet about much of myself. Even here. But there's nothing that I can do now. If they walk away, they do. It would become better to know that there is a limit to their understanding and acceptance. That's how I have to look at it now. But I've learned, and I will stay silent on such matters. I suppose, like most people, I yearn for the existence of a person who can know of the darkness that has touched me but only see the light left behind. Ah well. It's okay. It's September. 

Song...the chorus doesn't apply, but the verses do.

Metric

Eclipse (All Yours)

lyrics below

Other lives always tempted to trade 
Will they hate me for all the choices I've made 
Will they stop when they see me again? 
I can't stop now I know who I am 

Now I'm all yours, I'm not afraid 
And you're all mine, say what they may 
And all your love I'll take to the grave 
And all my life starts now 

Tear me down they can't take you out of my thoughts 
Under every scar there's a battle I've lost 
Will they stop when they see us again? 
I can't stop now I know who I am 

Now I'm all yours, I'm not afraid 
And you're all mine, say what they may 
And all your love I'll take to the grave 
And all my life starts 

I'm all yours, I'm not afraid 
And you're all mine, say what they may 
And all your love I'll take to a grave 
And all my life starts starts now