When I started this blog, a million years ago it seems, I titled it Simply Living a Life, because that's what I was doing. It was a good life, a busy life. I had a few home based businesses, had 2 girls at home, was married, busy with a church job, a theatre group, a 4H leader, busy at farming/gardening/sewing/, etc. It wasn't a complicated life, but it was very full.
Times...yes, they change.
Sometimes for good, sometimes for not.
It's still a busy life, just in different ways. I've grown in many ways, changed, but at the base of it all...I'm the same woman.
There's nothing profound going on, and I'm definitely not thinking that anything posted here is that in any way.
These are just my thoughts, things happening in my daily life, observations about myself. Nothing more. Just simply a life.
All I really have to add tonight is...
Younger daughter is set to go to a therapist to help her find tools for her anxiety and depression. Her dad is worried about her, they've had a few verbal runs lately. He asked me tonight if she was ok. I replied that overall, yes. That she is angry at life right now.
He asks, without asking, about what...
No.
It's not fair. I can't do it. Don't make me, plz. Please please please don't ask me to explain why she is angry...and why she is angry at him.
He knows.
It doesn't need verbalized by me. It isn't my job anymore, to care, to protect, to...whatever.
But protect is what I am doing.
I do believe in what is commonly called "karma". "what goes around comes around", "you get what you give", etc etc etc. It happens all the time. It sometimes takes a special eye to see it, but it happens. Natural consequence, be it good or bad. And it's not always in like form, especially when it's good karma.
Yet, being that I believe in it, I take no pleasure, ever, in seeing it happen when it's "bad" coming back around.
It just hurts to see. It hurts to watch the realization, to see what you knew would be the reaction be reacted to. It hurts me, at any rate.
And I cannot...will not...inflict pain. I will not point out the obvious.
In this case, I just won't do it. I refuse. I don't have to make sense, I just can't do it.
As I sat tonight, carefully choosing my words when explaining the basic bits to him and the tears came. Tears, surprising myself at the depth of them, feeling his sadness and concern as he reached out to me for reassurance and connection...and answers...
Is it wrong for me to feel weary of being the responsible one all the time? The one who has to be the grownup, the one who has to...I don't even know what.
sigh.
Mum, send your cosmic self to sit with me and let me rest my head in your lap, rub my hair and sing me a soft song. Just give me a little extra oomph to just keep rolling.
I know I will. I just want, really want, comfort tonight.
So, that's me right at the moment. Glad that daughter is ready to take a step forward and face her frustration over things in life, grateful that we have the opportunity...grateful that while he left the family, her dad continues to care for her in the ways that will really help her.
So sleep comes. I'll close my eyes and picture mum here, taking care of me for a moment, giving me a chance to be vulnerable and a little less strong, just for a tiny bit.
Morning will come and I'll be up and at it again. Doing my best. Living a life.
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