I am very grateful to be finding my footing again. After taking so many hard hits early in September, and having found myself tossed and unbalanced by them (much to my displeasure and arrogance in my belief of my ability to be unflappable...i have to own this fault in myself, as much as I also dislike seeing it), I am feeling more myself again. There are fewer tears, more energy, clearer vision, and joy is peeking through the very black clouds that landed on me so suddenly. No arrogance this time, I am aware of my optimistic fragility.
Life is using a large amount of courage at various times these days.
I wonder sometimes how I can be such a pessimist, and yet so insanely optimistic. It has never made sense to me, if I stop and think about it. I don't often, though. I've always been like this...for as long as I can remember at any rate, so that's as good as always. :) There is this huge cynical streak in me that can get me down, sometimes quite low. Yet at the same time is the crazy belief that everything will be fine, sun coming out tomorrow and all that jazz. Equal parts of me buy both sides whole heartedly. It drives me a bit blighty at times. Like now.
There really isn't anything to do about it. I have long accepted that I can't silence either voice in me...that acceptance has come from many years fighting to allow one to have dominance over the other. There comes a time when through the noise you stop caring which one wins, just as long as one of them does. It ends up falling into the same space as the hyper organized and detail/task oriented person vs the creative and free form, abstract embracing boxless self in me.
What I have learned is that it is best to allow them to temper each other. If they must exist together, then they may as well be friends...right? And in most cases, when I am balanced, they encourage and enable the other to exist quite well.
But the optimism and the cynic are having a very tough time right now. Given the hits that happened, the cynic has every reason to take the stronger stand. The problem lies in that the cynic, given free rein, makes me ill, physically and spiritually ill. In my heart I am an optimist. I believe in all the good things in life and the universe. I've just gotten a bit worn down, feeling a little discouraged...something that I don't like in myself. But I know that everything WILL be good again and this transitional thing will be awesome.
Iridescent
Linkin Park
(for me, this song is a great one. To me, it's full of hope and acceptance and not holding on to anything negative but embracing the good. I know that other people may take it differently, but this is what it means to me.)
When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
You were there impossibly alone.
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.
And in the burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go,
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.
And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
You were there impossibly alone.
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.
And in the burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go,
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.
...and move on...
It's always a new day, a new moment. A new step to take, over and over. If a day is too much to contemplate the success of, then take that moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment