it's a melancholy night, baby ~

I don't like emotional drama.  

Whether it's from outside sources or from right inside my own head and heart.

~sigh~

My head and my mouth can spout all of the logic and rational thought that Mr Spock could possibly desire to hear out of a human, and I truly know it and believe it...but ~

 That blasted creature. 

Oh, it fights back all the blooming time.

I don't let it out of the crate...ever. It just doesn't have any sense, stupid little thing.

Someday, there's going to be someone who can take it. All the wagging and waving and "let's go for a walk" and chewing on shoes and then plopping down to snuggle all of a sudden. With the head of a top-secret, high-level analyst.

Right.

Makes me feel overwhelmed just writing that.

And it hurts.

I have always found it impossible to ask anyone to stay when they would rather not.

My heart always wants to holler and say all of the words floating inside of it, but my head takes over and becomes veeerrrry rational and knows that to keep someone with you when they want to be somewhere else is foolish and only prolonging the inevitable.

So, I let go again...not that I ever held on.

I wonder why I don't hold on? I wonder if that's a bad thing? I make sure that people know that I want them, that i need them...Do people really want for someone to go to that drama place? Isn't it putting alot of pressure on someone?

I don't know. I used to think that I did...but I think, now, that I don't.

Letting go

I hate being here.

But I hate being alone much more. So, I just take what I'm given and return it and enjoy what is there while it's there, making friends and working very, very hard to protect that friendship so it will stay. I am very careful to make sure that it is kept safe, because it is a precious thing. 

Someday there will be that somebody who will stay when i "don't hold on".

That will be the greatest thing. They will stay because it's where they want to be.

I will be happy.

Until then, I miss you, person that I don't know yet.

I tell the universe that I'm open to you, wherever you are, whoever you are (within reason...I am the straightest straight person alive, trust me on that. It has nothing to do with any stereo-typing or closed mindedness or anything. I just flat-out think that men are the most amazing creatures ever, period. Full stop).

I'm working on my stuff, taking care of business, learning and growing and living. I'm not waiting until you show up to start my life, but there will always be room in it for you if you ever get here.

And I'm keeping stupid in that crate.

Just thought I'd let you know.