Just as an interesting note...
the young man from the previous post and I have been chatting a bit this evening. He's still doing well. I'm always glad for these things. The kids, they come into your home, into your life, and even into your heart if you're kinda sappy like me, and then you worry about them. He spent a fair amount of time in our home for awhile...I'll have to remember to let older daughter know how he's doing.
I'm not certain of the direction this may take. I think in my best random approach, I'll start putting a few things down and see where it goes. That always helps me sort out my thoughts, which are putting a bit of a spin on me at the moment.
First, I need to be careful of what I post when I'm really tired. Reminder to self...you're more sober when you're drunk than when you're sleepy, Teri. When are you going to remember this fact? Oh well. It isn't that it isn't just how it is, it's only that the inhibitor wall is pretty damn thin...if not non-existent. That makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I'm not clear on whether or not that's a good uncomfortable or not, at this point. So. No resolutions there, moving on.
Next. Woke up to younger girl playing music from the concert and singing. She used to sing alot, all the time in fact. That ended a couple of years ago, except for the rare occasions. I'm always happy to hear it. The concert isn't cheap, that's true, but it's one of those things that is priceless in what it does. I try to be very careful to not complain much about money. It is what it is. It's always been more about the good that it does than about the space it takes being saved somewhere, which I do realize is not completely sound. I'm not attempting to present it that way. That is how it is, to me. When I die, it does nothing for me. If I lose what I love most, it does nothing for me. There's never been much of it, even back when there was but I knew nothing of all of that, so I've never been obsessed with the keeping of it, only the care. Large digression there. It was wonderful to hear her singing. My heart soared a small ways in that waking moment, the sun shining in the sky, my blanket warm around me...my clothes in a heap on the floor next to the bed, as I glanced around. Yes, I wondered for a half a second what I had on, and that explained why I was a bit cold last night. I did manage to grab a tshirt and I very carefully had deposited the contents of my pockets and my jewelry on the counter in the bathroom, both of which I have no memory of doing. Tired.
So, I listened to itty singing, smelling the aroma of "breakfast soup" in the air, grateful for that moment. A brief flash of sadness while I went back to a time when she sang everyday, but quickly came forward again. She's not living the life that she might have lived had things been different, but she's living the life that she is, and it's a good one at that, for the most part.
Later, on our way out, she said that she just didn't like boys right now. We girls...we say this. Well, they say it. I always say, "oh, I like them fine. Adore them, even. Being driven slightly mad at the moment, but that's to be expected." Enter eye roll, "oh gawd, Mom...do you always have to say it like that?"
Yes. Yes I do. Because it's the truth. I was never a woman to bitch about her husband or boyfriends to friends or family, and I never will be. I like men. I appreciate all the bits that make a man a man, even the ones that can drive a sane woman to another realm. And I want for my girls to understand that. I want for them to respect the boys/men that they are involved with just as they would want the respect given to them. I say it. I live it.
Period.
But, after that, I asked her what was up. Former bf K took final steps to block her out of his vision...and it stung. Again. These two, they frustrate me. They are actually quite perfect together, but he is frightened of her fire and she is frightened of his calm. So, she was smarting from that and got a message from the last bf A, who professed his still undying love for her. They had a terrible breakup, caused by him, then finalized by her. He took it so hard, tried death by car and then a night of drinking everything he could find and taking every pill he got his hands on. We'd heard about both and i knew it was because of this. She focused on the fact that he had another girlfriend already, and I let it go. Today it clicked in when he contacted her about his feelings. Aaaaand then, the current boy on the front porch J, who talks about forever stuff but won't call her girlfriend. Singing gave way to some tears, then singing through tears. I listened until she was suddenly done. I noticed the similarities between her situation and her sister's, which is much calmer by comparison, but she also had a former contact her in the past week. As did I. So strange, how these things cycle. And, as we each are, once someone has been in and then chosen to be out...that's it. No going back. We've never been able to let someone who's walked out come back in. I've never tried to set THAT example, I don't want for them to follow me in these things like this but to make up their own minds. I only know how it is for me. But I do understand the conflict that is created. Very much so. For me, my conflict is always in a form of sorrow that I have never been able to allow them back after they leave and then, when they have their moment of clarity, to still say no. It seems to be an impenetrable wall for me, I can see no window, no door, no way through, around, over or under it.
Rabbit trail...I know that I'm a slow "get to know" with men. It takes awhile for me to reach the place of true comfort to really just let my shit out, and most don't wait around long enough for me to get there. Friends, they know. I have a couple of close women friends, the rest are men. The really good ones, who know me well. Those are the ones of the all-nighters, the shit talking around the fire-pit, maybe a few drinks in, music playing...and I don't see any other way around that either. I know it's wrapped up in my history, a funny shaped key to a funny shaped lock in a door that wasn't supposed to be there. But is. Because I want it to be.
Rabbit done.
Daughter the younger...is ready to make peace with Christmas, btw. In fact, they both are. Daughter younger is listening to Christmas music, really the first time since the divorce, and we are...drumroll, please...getting a real tree this year. WTH. I'm excited. :) That's a serious step in the right direction, her being happy about the season. She's not certain about New Year, yet. I love New Year, so so so much. I said that it was going to be awesome and offered my hand for a high 5. She said that she's thinking of simply hiding under a blanket for awhile... I offered my hand, palm up. She put her hand in it and, holding it, I told her not to worry...it's going to be awesome.
So, in supporting her in this peace making of the season, I am addressing some rather interesting beasts that are raising their heads at me over the situation. It's been convenient to basically ignore the time and not deal with some things that have lingered.
I do like to think that I've dealt with my shit, all neat and tidy.
And for the most part, I honestly do think that I've dealt with alot of it.
Alot of it.
Not all of it.
Some things, I simply haven't known HOW to deal with. Some things, are hard for me to talk about. Some things involve so much more than myself, and calls for vulnerability...that word again. There are some rather frightening things looming at the moment, and I wouldn't have it any other way, to be honest. It's time. It's time to deal with it, to see them as they are. To address these things in myself.
But this Christmas critter. I still won't be shopping like a fiend, if at all, really. It's just never been about that for me. And I'm not really certain what to do with it...But I am not ignoring it. I'm opening my arms to it, and I'll walk toward and with it as it is, and see what that looks like as it happens. That is something that in most cases, I've become good at doing.
Not everything.
I do know that.
Not even close, inside some of those.
But.
Okay.
So, annoying boy is basically gone. Good. Daughter is ready to face Christmas with a smile. Good.
Now,
Work.
Last Saturday when I got to the bakery, there were odd notes around, instructions to not take orders that need filled past Dec 24, and our staff schedule filled up only to that date. The reason for the no orders was given as "for tax purposes". I read that, turned to our bakery manager and, in my nice and respectful voice, said the equivalent of "wtf". She said that it really was for tax reasons, she was sure of it. I asked what tax purposes that could be, for orders in Jan/Feb to matter, knowing a small amount of tax whatnot as I do, and she had no answer for that.
The owner has been talking alot lately about shutting the shop down in January unless business picked up. Well, it's been picking up. But still the talk has continued.
Duh, see the writing?
Today we were called over and told that unless some kind of massive miracle occurs, come Dec 24th the bakery is shutting down. But, we can have all the hours that we want for the next 2 weeks.
I'm so not surprised. I saw it coming months ago. In matters such as this, and in the relations of others, my intuition is never wrong. Never.
I've only ever uttered, "I told you so" perhaps twice in the whole of my life. There's no reward or satisfaction in it. Unless it's something awesome, and then I don't because it gives the appearance that I'm owning a piece of it, which isn't correct on any count. So.
My own situations, not so much. My own, it's gets all messed and I don't have a clue what's going on. There's a funny meme that sums that up pretty well...I'll have to see if I can find it.
Anyway.
Every darn time I begin to feel that maybe packing up, selling and moving is beyond me (which I know it isn't, but it's unnerving and a small piece of me would like to hide until it's over), more affirmations of how correct it is and that it's time.
Today, this was all full of them.
Daughter.
Facing an emotional hurdle.
Work.
So I made the decision, as I was leaving work, to hire help getting the outside jobs finished here at the house. I've been busting it inside, I can't get it done myself anytime before the New Year as it's going, and some I can't do myself at all. I posted on fb and tada. I have 2 young men coming on Monday to whip this shit into shape.
With any luck, the place will be on the market by the end of next week.
O.
M.
G.
Sorry, but sometimes, that's the only appropriate thing to utter.
Add to the list above:
House.
And that it's day 3 of a sugar detox...which is likely why I am not sleeping.
It's been a big day.
And there's more to it.
That's going to get addressed in the next post, which I'll work on separately.
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