and.

Feeling quite small and weak tonight. 

The trauma of the past week has passed and in my usual form, I'm reacting physically, now. A brief respite, a space of true relaxing and enjoyment ended a spot too soon, but daughter put the call out that she needed me home and of course I came right away. I'm very grateful for the advice that helped me remain calm and think through things last week, as those things are no longer in the picture. A small window of calm is here now, and I'm working to get the house finished and listed. There are spaces of painting that need done, and so I'll jump on that myself, I suppose. I'm not sure what happened, but it is what it is. 

I'm working to get back to my place of acceptance. 

My body is reacting oddly, shaking and cold. I'll sleep soon.

I do need to empty this point of major frustration and let it go again. It returns so often, but I'll free it each time and hope for the best.

I've always been adamently opposed to cosmetic surgery...that has changed. 

I want this saggy skin gone.
I want my boobs back. 

It seems so unfair to be constantly reminded in a negative way of an extreme success and accomplishment. Yet that's how it feels. 

And this week I'm frankly weepy over it.
Which I hate. 

I hate the thought that I might be so superficial, so surface oriented in this way. But there it is. Under it all my body is muscled and tight. I work hard at it, for myself. And for such a small space of time in my life, it seems terrible to carry this unrelenting scar of sorts. 

Is this shallow?

It must matter.

Does it really?

Mom, how I wish you were here. To just hear me and not judge, not scoff, not love me less. 

I don't like feeling small and vulnerable. 

I don't like feeling so exposed. 

I wish I could pull the covers back over me, to hide my scars, my confessions, my weakness, my dreams, my heart. 

It's a bit too late for all of that now, all I can hope for is compassion, understanding, kindness. Please, just replace the embarrassment and shock i feel with sweet kindness. 

I know. This is a terrible entry. 

But, I don't like feeling small.

Or vulnerable.
Exposed.

Afraid.

Open.

and yet...there it is. Here I am. 

And I wouldn't change a thing.