and in the light of day

The draft and delete list in this blog is immense.

This place gets my emotional dumps, the things that I will not put on any real person. If I can't keep it in and find the avenues for it to process that way, if physical working doesn't help, if singing doesn't help, if running like a fire and tramping through the woods doesn't help, it comes here.

I learned a long time ago the difference between being silent and seething and knowing myself. I do not seethe silently. I don't hold things in and explode later. If it matters enough, i will bring it up. If I recognize that it isn't just my emotional woman/dreamer/doer self being over tired, confused, etc, I will bring it up. Calmly. I will not fight. To fight is to attack, advance, to conquer. I used to be told that to be flexible was a bad thing, that it meant that I had no true stand of my own. I struggled with that for awhile, wondering if it was true.
It isn't.
I understand that there are times, and issues, that I will not back down on. They aren't personal attacks at all. Abuse. It's wrong. Slavery. Wrong. Killing without extreme provocation. Wrong. And it goes on and on. My intent is not to spout a Teri's 10 Commandments. Everyone has their own pile of non-negotiables.
But what I also learned is that I do not consider myself the vat of information. I'm a sponge. Eager to hear, to learn, to examine sides of things that maybe i haven't seen. I'm not afraid to do that. Maybe my mind will blow over a concept or vision I hadn't anticipated. Maybe I'll look at it and think...mmmm...nope. My mind is my own. My heart, emotions, get all worked up and into a flame, but my mind has a strong rudder on it through that storm. I get quiet and it worries people, I should be reacting more quickly. I'm thinking. That information is sifting through the coin sorter in my head, through the filters and into a base of "what this is really about and how I want to approach it", and it happens fairly quickly. Still enough of a stall for others to think I'm angry, or whatever.
I'm not.
I rarely get angry, truly angry. Serious, in a heartbeat.

So. Yes, last night was tough. A hug from kid and a cat curled with me in a blanket, tears off to sleep, knowing that morning brings rest of a  sort, and more clarity. I know that I will heal from things, and that is always the first step in anything. Ouch, this hurts. Yep. You've been here before, kid. You know the drill. Feel the ouch, see the ouch, examine from all angles...if it hurts too much to move it, sleep. There's no hurry. What is meant to be in your life, will stay in your life.
What wants to leave, you must let it.
So, in the light of day...
I'm okay.
With whatever comes.
Thank you, blog.