All I ever wanted in my life was to be in a family. When I was little I couldn't understand the concept of family simply being the people in your life, and I couldn't understand it being just my mum and I. That wasn't family, to me. Thanksgiving and Christmas were my brothers and their significant others coming over (my sister still lived at home). Piles and piles of people everywhere. Part of me just wanted to go sit somewhere quietly and watch, but the other part of me wanted to hug and hold everyone...again the battle of is she/isn't she, introvert/extrovert. Anyway. Of course, as I grew older, my brothers moved away, my sister married when I was 5, we moved back to Ohio, then to California...weird. This is very strange...I'd never noticed this before. I remember some Christmases during those years, but no Thanksgiving Days. Or Easter.
Weird.
Anyway, family.
Yes, I have extended family. That live in other states. And yes, i have friends who all insist that we are family. But, really, I guess when it comes down to it, it's us. The two who, no matter what, will always be a part of me, as I am a part of them. They may get angry, move away, etc., but they are with me. That will never change.
They got into a fight in August, my girls. They stopped talking. Broke my heart. Both had valid reasons for their opinion, and both went about it terribly wrong. Neither seemed to be able to apologize, or bridge the gap that just gets wider and wider and wider as time goes on. I did what I could to keep it from widening too much, but there it was. I couldn't help but look ahead at the holidays coming up, my birthday as well, and wonder what that was going to look like. I had no idea.
They are hanging out on Sunday, in Seattle. Together. Just them. I'm so so glad. I wasn't sure it was going to happen, but being very careful seems to have done some good. I'm still holding my breathe a bit, but am very very glad.
Things have also not been good with them and their dad. Everything went to hell in the summer. So I took that on tonight. It couldn't keep going the way that it was, with the negativity and the awkwardness. He communicates very differently than I do and it is often very tough to do these things without it becoming even more uncomfortable along the way. This time...it didn't. I think things will be better now. I'm so relieved.
It'll get gnarly again, a little, he really wants for younger and new wife to hang out. I'm supportive, of course. I just want for it to go well when it happens. We agreed that we are still a team in the whole parenting thing. It'll be interesting for me to welcome this new person into the mix of our parenting team. And if there is ever someone from my side who wants to be a part of the picture, then we'll all be in it together, after a fashion.
Family. It sure is a different thing than I had ever imagined when I was younger. But it's all good.
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