Every now and again I wonder if I push myself too hard. 
It only hits on nights like this, when I'm so worn out that I'm sick. It's really the only time I notice it, that ton of bricks that hits your face and makes you stop and say, OUCH. 
I'm sure I've said this before, I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling fallible, small, tired, incapable. I know that I am, fallible, small, tired, often capable but not always. I just don't always FEEL like it. 
There's alot of "I" here tonight. 
I'm noticing that I'd rather chew off a limb, almost, than admit to anyone that I'm struggling with something. I know that it's a weakness, not a virtue. I can't seem to feel comfortable showing that vulnerability. I don't want to appear to be needy, dramatic, a burden of any kind...a whiner. 
Because I'm not. I'm not needy. Not generally dramatic, except when it applies and is required. I try to not be a whiner, and i am deadly afraid of being thought of as a burden of any kind. 

I'm also noticing that Emotionally Unavailable tag that someone put on me. 
I'm not. At all. 
I do realize that I can give that impression. What I hate is that it's all fear based, and i know it. I've been working on it, with actions, words when I need to. I don't say anything that I don't mean. I don't give lip service, false flattery, or blind loyalty. Yes, I may be loyal, but it's not blind. No matter how silly I may come across, it's never blind. Applies to everyone...family, friends, lovers. I'll sit in your boat with you, encourage you while you row, row while you rest, but I say what needs said. If I think you're screwing up, I'll tell you that I think you're screwing up, still in your boat. When I'm in, I'm in. I don't bail. 
And when I'm in, please let me in all the way. 
I can't do halfway. Well, I can. But it's only halfway. It's a car stuck in 2nd, never getting up to cruising speed at all. It's one foot hovering over the brake always. It's keeping the safety belt on while parked. 

I just don't feel very good tonight. So tired. Shaky. Upset tum. Headache. I need to go to sleep. But I needed to say a few of these things. 

Sometimes I can't help but worry that so many false starts and dead ends are leaving me just a bit jaded. For a long time I thought that a big lesson in life for me was to learn how to be alone. I realize, more and more, that I've spent so much time alone in life, most especially when I was married, that I'm quite comfortable with it...it doesn't bother me at all. My lesson is more in learning to be with another...learning to be vulnerable. To trust. To let someone in as far as I want to be let in. I work on it. I do. And few, if any, know that's going on. Except for the times that I'm tired. 

Anyway. I'm not comfortable tonight writing about myself. I think it's time to curl up in this blanket, with this pillow, and sleep awhile. 

To sleep ~ perchance to dream...

gnite.